Do Not RESUSITATE

Sitting in a cold waiting room only big enough for four people with elbow distance only intoxicated by fear high from devastation staring at the white walls with the ability to hear but lacking the capability to listen. A woman walks in wearing a colored ghoonghat even though I can see her my vision is blurred as she enters the room. The woman wasn’t tall in statue, but her substance was as big as Goliath it’s clear the news, she’s carrying is heavier than the notepad and pen and even harder to deliver. I can smell the scent of the nervousness as she attempts to have a seat trying her best to avoid making eye contact, she muscles up a fake but warm smile as she introduces herself. My heart is racing and has created a rhythm to the beat of the anxiousness in the atmosphere loud enough to be the soundtrack for this moment. Her presence has demanded our attention, and did I fail to mention my mother has coded twice and is currently in CCU after being told she was doing great and will be going home soon. She opened her mouth with a trembling voice in her foreign accent she states “I am an internal medicine doctor and have been looking Miss Trawicks x-rays for the last hour, there is no good way to say but Miss Trawick is a very sick lady is not doing well, her heart is the biggest thing in her chest has a leaking heart vile, septic, and if she lives she wouldn’t have a good quality of life also is currently on a ventilator. We have the opinion of Do Not Resuscitate. Who oversees making the decision just in case she codes again? “

Almost four years later I am sitting in my room typing against time before I go and get Legend from his God mother and as my sister tries to keep Legacy occupied while I finish this blog. I often go back to the day I walked in your room, numb watching a tube down your throat assisting you to breath as you’re hooked up to several monitors. I can still her the monitors beep in my sleep. The tears began to fall down my cheeks so fast I couldn’t stop them even I desired to as I stood over you helpless. I was so upset because at this point, I was useless to you. My mind was flooded with thoughts of what we could do when you got out and I promised God I would make sure your testimony was heard if he got you out of here. I prayed for you in a panic and if anyone was watching they would have thought I was mentally unstable as I spoke in tongues as I touch your body decreeing healing. I spoke the word and stood on my faith, but this is one that can’t you replace. before I could get home after leaving the hospital, I had a miss call from the hospital. I returned the call only to be notified that you coded again in my mind this has to be pretend not really the end. I asked the lady to repeat in denial she said once again Miss Trawick blood pressure has bottomed out. Would you like to come back to see her? I immediately said NO. She asked what funeral home and I gave her the info. She ended the call by saying I’m so sorry. I thanked her and hung up. I still wondered if I made the right decision of signing a paper that would be the end of my mother not knowing I would become one, one day without her. I often ponder the thoughts of what it would be IF…. IF she would have known would she have done things different. IF I would have known what I could have done differently.

Have you ever had to be unselfish and let go of someone not because you didn’t love them but had to do what was best for them? Maybe you weren’t mature enough at the moment, et go of someone you knew wasn’t good for you even though you was in love, or knew you wasn’t ready for the commitment. When I signed the paper I had to think about her. I have so much more to share so make sure you tune in for the next vlog?